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The Cheat Sheet

The Cheat Sheet

Jacob Thompson, Staff Writer

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*This is satire…

 

Recently after being elected and amid allegations of American interference in his re-election, Russian president Vladimir Putin has publicly denied the existence of the United States in a speech in Moscow.

He has shut down all embassies in Russia, enacted a travel ban, and temporarily closed all public schools until the “American Lie” has been dealt with.

The main perpetrator of the lie, according to Putin, is Great Britain.

Putin stated,” Russia will not tolerate Great Britain’s use of a puppet government in southern Canada to perpetrate the ‘American Lie’”.

When asked how long the emergency measures would go on for, Putin replied, “As long as necessary.”

While most Russians believe Putin, he does have some skeptics.

One Russian skeptic of this move asked, “If there isn’t a U.S., then who did we sell Alaska to?”

Putin replied by denying that Alaska was ever owned by Russia.

Another skeptic said that the existence of award winning writer, actor, businessman, father, best friend of Putin, and U.S. president Donald J. Trump disproves Putin’s claims.

Putin responded, “Who?”

President Trump has yet to respond or leave his room. White House sources say that trump has “been uncharacteristically quiet” and “has spent more time than normal contemplating his existence.”

Donald Trump, Jr and Vice President Mike Pence have been the only people allowed to see him, and then, only for long enough to give him his food and tell him what Trump Corporation stock is worth.

Vice President Pence said,”Putin’s actions toward us are unacceptable, and the U.S. has had nothing to do with the Russian election”.

Trump, Jr. has also made comment on the situation, saying ”I miss my dad”.

With this move, the Russian ruble has gone down 17 cents in value within American markets, 100% of it’s value.

*This is satire.

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